We sat in a perfectly symmetrical classroom, the desks
impeccably aligned; the temperature a comforting 72 degrees, all staring at the
white board which somehow always managed to stay a flawless white. Even the
scent of the room had a comfortable feel to it, it was sort of a mix between
vanilla and amber and every time I walked in I was overcome with a sense of
serenity. Our teacher’s monotone voice echoed throughout the history classroom,
doing injustice to the bloody battles that were once fought, Mrs. Whitford was
the definition of a boring teacher. She was old and had greyish brown hair and
she didn’t pay much mind to the kids in the back who joked and fooled around.
She did her job and no more. Our classroom was on the fourth floor, overlooking
the campus, making it hard to concentrate. I would start with my eyes focused
on Mrs. Whitford but over time they would glaze over to the bright green grass
just past the window, despite my hardest attempts to remain engaged.
“And class that is how the Kansas Nebraska act led to the
emergence of the republican….”
My mind wandered to spring break, while all the other
students will be partying and having a good time I will be at home getting
yelled at by my father and studying. It’s always difficult visiting him, he’s
constantly urging me to come yet he never seems to want me there when I do.
He’s never quite been the same since he came back from his tour in the Middle
East, but I never understood why. It doesn’t matter to me, we were never close
and talking with him consists of him trying to get me to join the military. He
doesn’t understand that I’ve never wanted that life, never have never will.
“…and on that note, class is over, have a good day students”
Mrs. Whitford opened the door, smiled and let us go. I slouched my way down
stairs to the college café.
“One Mango smoothie” I handed the cashier a five, waited for
my change and sat down on a stool nearby. I could hear thunder rolling in from
far off and smiled. I loved rain. I rested my head in my open palms; eyes fixed
at the little bits of mango inside my smoothie and began to doze off.
I woke up to the cashier muttering something to me but I
shut it out and listened to the rain instead. She spoke a little louder then,
this time while clutching my shoulder, “Sir you are going to have to leave.” I
frowned; the thought of returning to my empty dorm destroyed me. I always felt
uneasy whenever my roommate Sam left early for vacation. I don’t know, there’s
just something about being in there alone that gets to me.
“Could I stay for a little longer?” She looked puzzled and
seriously considered letting me stay for a moment, but then shook her head
slowly; a silent decline. She looked down as if not being able to meet me in
the eye. “No I don’t think I can do that I am really sorry.” Then I really
looked at her for the first time and I noticed how tired her eyes looked and
how messy the place still was. It would be unfair of me to stay, so I gathered
my things and got up, slurping down the last of my smoothie. And with a heavy
sigh I zipped up my coat up, clenched my fists and trudged out of the warmth
and into the storm.
I seemed to ignore the rain as it drenched my backpack and
clothes. It wasn’t ever a long walk to my dorm, but the fact that Sam wasn’t
going to be there saddened me. I walked right by the college cafeteria and
looked up to the right to where my dorm was supposed to be, I could see through
the window that the light was off and I knew that the clean dark room would be
a source of loneliness. Instead of walking the two minute trip to my dorm, I
decided to head into the city. I sat down on a wet bench waiting for the campus
bus; I knew the bus would take at least twenty minutes to get to me so I let my
mind wander on to the Bio Medical Engineering tests that were going to be
needed to study for. Amidst the countless facts and thoughts circling in my
head the bus arrived. The first thing I
noticed was the worn down and tired look of the bus driver, she had her eyes
closed and asked me for my money, her voice was raspy and exhausted. Sorrow
filled my heart and the urge to help her kicked in, instead of reaching into my
pocket and handing her the three dollars for the bus ride I reached into my
backpack, grabbed my wallet, and handed her a twenty. I began to search for a
seat but the lady interrupted me “hey you got me a twenty dollar bill lemme get
chu change for that”. Heavy southern draw infected her voice; I smiled and told
her to keep the change. I saw her face light up and I went too sat down. It
would take about 45 minutes until my stop in the city; I closed my eyes and let
the warmth of the bus cover me. A million thoughts went in and out of my head and eventually I fell asleep.
As I woke up I noticed the seat was wet, but my beat up
jeans and jacket were fairly dry. It had stopped raining but it was dusk. There
was a guy with some lip piercings and tattoos listening to his iPod next to me.
I asked him where we were, he pointed to a sign and said “After this next stop
we are gonna go to the subs”. The
suburbs. That’s where dad is.
“Okay thanks man”.
I got off at the next stop, walked for a couple of blocks and sat down on a
chair outside of a burger joint. I considered going in and getting something to
eat. Even though I hadn’t eaten since hours before, I felt no hunger pangs. I
placed my head in palm and ran my hands through my blonde hair.
The sky began drizzling
and I exhaled as my eyes slowly shut.
And suddenly I could
see her. I gave her everything. I never spent a moment without thinking about her. It’s
amazing how one minute you feel invincible, and the next moment you’re the
weakest man on earth struggling under the weight of life itself.
My thoughts drifted to
September, to the good days. There she was in my mind, blue eyed and smiling. I
could hear her laughter echo in my dorm; we lay on my bed in the dim afternoon
sunshine, fingers entwined, wasting the day away in each other’s arms. Things
began to come back to me in bits and pieces, her voice so soft it was almost
inaudible sometimes, the way she would squeeze her knees together whenever she
got happy, and then it hit me hard and fast.
She giggled and looked
at my eyes; she stared at them for a little and began to speak.
“Hey Jess…” She
giggled again and my throat ran dry. I waited for a moment and answered.
“Yeah Anna?” Her eyes
were perfect.
“I wish this moment
could last forever” …liar.
I leaned down to kiss
her small pink lips, a chill traveled down my spine. I spoke quietly, as if
only she was allowed to hear what I was about to say.
“We could last forever
you know?” Anna looked away and smiled. Time seemed to freeze for a moment; I
heard the inhale and exhale of her breath as she drifted off to sleep. Her pale
soft skin seemed to beckon me, my lips grazed over her left cheek, her skin was
so smooth.
The
sound of the rain bouncing off the asphalt came back into my consciousness. I
reopened my eyes to the fading city, and pulled my coat tighter around myself,
suddenly overcome with a sense of dread. This was my reality now. I became
aware of how exhausted I was, tired, wet, and miserable. I needed to sleep. A
nagging migraine implanted itself in my head. God, I really needed sleep. As my worn down shoes dragged
against the wet pavement, Anna remerged in my thoughts.
“Jess
it’s just some guy, leave it alone” Anger filled my head; Anna’s friend gave me
no peace. She had this keen ability to always make me feel like I was being
ridiculous. Abby sped up in front of me to reach her next class but I needed
answers. I increased my stride and reappeared at her side.
“What
do you mean leave it alone Abby? I am her boyfriend and she spends more time
with this guy than anyone else”
I was
so oblivious.
She
seemed even more irritated then, not even looking in my direction she continued
her fast pace forward.
“Just
get over it Jess” finally
reaching my breaking point I stopped, letting her escape in front of me and
exhaled in frustration, running my hands through my hair. What the hell was
going on? I didn’t even realize I was balling my fists until I felt the sharp
pain in my palm.
Glancing
in front of me for the first time in a while, it hit me that I had walked three
blocks past the bus stop. Dad was going to be so pissed.
Fuck
it. I need warmth.
The
gray clouds that had dampened my mood since my bus ride parted for a bit and
revealed how dark the night truly was. The light of the moon seemed to
illuminate the street, it was empty, I was alone. A nearby coffee shop known as
“Sunshine Café” was a single block to the right. I laughed to myself at the
ironic name of the shop and the situation. Semi jogging my way to the shop, I
stepped in and the first thing I felt was the warmth. But this warmth only
added to my desire to sleep, the shop was larger than I had imagined. It was
connected to a library with couches scattered throughout. Walking up to the
counter, I glanced towards the menu but that was pointless since I always
ordered the same thing.
“I’ll
have a large hot chocolate please”
With
my hot chocolate in hand I found a couch in the library, grabbed a random book
off of a shelf and sat down. It was one of those couches that seemed to
envelope you, so I closed my eyes and cleared my thoughts, willing for the
sweet serenity of sleep to consume me.
Giggling. I
could hear Giggling and it was getting louder and louder. No. I am not opening my eyes. I do
not care. Jesus Christ it was
getting even louder. Whatever the hell it was I’m sure it wasn’t that damn
funny. It’s bound to stop
eventually just keep sleeping. But
with one final giggle and a snort to follow, I didn’t have a choice. My eyes
slowly opened and located the girl in the corner making all the commotion.
And
that was the first time I laid eyes on Lua.
Lua
I take a deep breath, close my eyes, and close the book. A wide smile
covers my face and a salty tear runs down my cheek and splashes onto my mocha
colored boots. I’ve always loved the moment right after you finish a book. I
have been an avid reader since I was a kid, it all started the first time I
picked up a harry potter book. There was something really magical about it, no
pun intended. But ever since then, there was always, without fail, a book in my
purse or on my bedside table. I remember
the only time I ever got in trouble at school was when I began reading under my
desk during classes instead of paying attention. Even when they would call me
out on it, I would close the books and take out my pencil and sure enough five
minutes later my head would be buried in the pages again. There is really
nothing better than escaping into a story of adventure, romance, and love.
Nicole told me to read this particular book; it was a good story, a love story.
The grin on my face loosens into my usual light smile. I glance over at
my best friend Nicole, her smirk and familiar tan face reminds me of our long
friendship together. Ten years, damn.
Nicole had recommended the book months ago and has since bugged me about
reading it. So to say she was excited that now not only have I read it but
finished it, would be a huge understatement.
“Did you like it Lua?!” I could
hear the anticipation in her voice.
I answered quickly “Yes! Is there a sequel?!”
Nicole nodded eagerly
“I knew you would like it, I told you!”
I opened my mouth to speak again “Can we go and get it?”
Nicole grinned once more “Of course we can Lua”
“Can we go and get it…. now?”
Nicole frowned “oh, ugh sorry Joe’s coming over”.
“Okay so how about we all go get dinner and then pick up the second one
on the way home? Ugh it’s just so good!”
Nicole threw her head back and laughed “sounds like a plan Lua”
Joey and Nicole have been together since their freshman year in high
school, which by now makes joey practically my brother. I’m happy to see her
with a boyfriend who loves her as much as Joey does. Sometimes it’s hard
watching a couple that seems never ending when my love life has been vacant for
so long. I don’t know, the whole falling in love thing never really happened
for me. I remember about five years ago I was at this Christian camp that I
used to go to every summer and they were talking about purity and
relationships. One of the pastors said that God created some people to be
single for all of their lives. I think I’m one of those people.
I walked over to the small compact kitchen in our 500 square feet apartment, threw left over pizza in the microwave and made coffee. I could hear Nicole laugh at Joey’s jokes on the telephone, I was happy for them.
“Or maybe we could
even rent a hotel…”
Joey’s dirty joke made
me giggle and I turned on the radio, a slow song by some unknown band echoed
throughout the miniature Kitchen, the song reminded me of the beautiful book I
had just finished. I shut my eyes and dreamed of the main character, he was perfect, the type of boy who only
existed in movies or books or poems. The love story was about a boy who had
been born on the same day and in the same hospital as the girl character, they
would go on with their lives… their paths consistently crossing but blissfully
unaware of each other. Eventually fate takes its course and he notices her, he
had to…. She was beautiful. His high school years consisted of him trying to
impress her with jokes, studying, and trying to get first string on the school
football team. By her junior year she was in love with him, there was no doubt,
she loved how when he made a stupid joke in class his eyes always darted to
hers; looking for a reaction, looking for a smile. He loved how she walked into
the class, gracefully, as if she were slow dancing. On Valentine’s Day of
junior year he had decided to break all realms of careful flirting. I walked to
the kitchen seat I had just finished the book and opened to my favorite pages
…my heart thudded so hard, I checked to see if the box of
chocolates hadn’t melted in my hand because I was sure I was a million degrees.
With fresh pink roses, expensive chocolates, a fearful heart, and a silly poem,
I walked into our classroom. She was looking down at the book she read under
her desk, my brain told me to sit down and forget everything, but my heart was
in control. My body moved slowly towards her pretty face, I think I tried to
speak but my face flushed and throat ran dry. She was so beautiful. She looked up and laughed, she spoke first. Her voice was perfect.
“How in the world did you get my dad’s phone number?”.
Damnit she knew
“Did your dad tell you?” I let out a sigh and tightened my grip
on the flowers. The cheesy words of the love poem flowed in and out of my head
without choice. I was stupid for calling her dad, I wanted his permission, but
I was stupid for calling her dad.
She giggled “yes he told me”. Oh great forget fate and destiny
and love… I ruined everything. Against every nerve in my body, I spoke.
“I… um. I am sorry”. Her face instantly changed from her
sunshine smile into a look of confusion. Then the words started to pour out of
my mouth. How stupid.
“Yes um I shouldn’t have called him, I just think you are really
pretty and when I see you… you make my tummy feel weird and I don’t know why
but I love the feeling, and I wrote a poem but it’s dumb and well here are your
flowers… I am sorry”. Oh boy. I delicately placed the roses on her desk, handed
her my poem I had sprayed my cologne on and turned to walk to my seat.
“Where do you think you are going?” I turned to look back at
her. She looked upset, instantly my heart felt heavy and I walked towards her,
she wasn’t allowed to be sad. She is happiness.
“What?”
“You asked my dad to be my boyfriend; he says yes… you bring me
flowers, chocolates and a poem… sprayed with your cologne, and you don’t ask me
out?”
By this time everybody was
looking at us.
“You wanted me to ask you out?” I started to fill dizzy and weak
“….I want you to ask
me out”
By the time I had
finished my cheeks had become sore from smiling and my eyes were filled with
soft tears, the slow song slowly drew to close. I walked into our tiny living
room and Nicole was huddled under a blanket falling asleep, I recognized the
blanket, it was a red blanket that Joey had found at a speech competition back
in high school. And suddenly I felt sad, even when Joey wasn’t anywhere near
Nicole she still had a piece of him… something to hold on to… and I didn’t have
a blanket, or a Joey for that matter. Nicole stirred under the blanket and her
calm voice saddened me more.
“Joey? Is that you?” I
smiled and a tear rolled down my cheek and hit the floor somewhere below. “No
Nicole it’s your Lua… your other love” I could hear a silent laugh and her
voice squeaked again; “are you going to sleep soon”. I thought for a moment and
realized how hungry I was again.
“Nicole I am actually
really hungry…” Her little face peeked from out the red blanket.
“You are so fat” I laughed and waited for her
to speak again, eventually she sighed and asked if I wanted to go out to eat, I
guess I felt a little better.
Thirty minutes later, after
trying our hardest to look pretty, we were ready to go. As we were walking down
the stairs I was sure Nicole was talking but I just heard a constant muffle, my
mind was somewhere else.
“…Lua are you even
listening?” Avoiding her question I asked her something that I had been worried
about since high school.
“Do you think I will
be single forever Nicole?” She sighed in frustration and sped up her pace and
lightly jogged down the stairs. I yelled after her.
“… So is that a yes?”
“… So is that a yes?”
She stopped, waited
for me to catch up, and sternly talked to me.
“Lua you have dated
plenty of guys” She was right, I had dated enough to know that I wasn’t alone,
but it still didn’t feel right, it felt lonely. Her face was still filled with
irritation and she began to walk again.
“I know I have Nicole
but it’s not the same!”
“The same as what…?”
“The same as you and
Joey” She smiled and paused, I was sure she was thinking of a response to make
me feel better, I spoke again.
“It’s not love.”
We remained silent
until Nicole managed to grab a taxi, she told the cab driver to take us to any
café. The taxi cab driver told us he knew just the place and drove for about
ten minutes while dodging traffic and pedestrians. Nicole and I laughed and
joked inside the cab, retelling tales of our high school years. When we finally
arrived at a book and coffee store known as “sunshine café” my mood had
lightened and I was happy. Joey was sitting by the window facing us; he hadn’t
seen us so Nicole went up and kissed the glass by him, Joey smiled and ran to
open the door for Nicole. I walked to stand in line to order the usual coffee
with two shots of espresso; the barista was kind of cute with his shaggy hair
and grey T-shirt with mickey mouse on it. I decided to make my move
“So Mr. Barista… do
you come here often” I asked flashing a coy smile, he immediately stopped and
looked at me dimly.
“I’m gay.” He smirked
and chuckled to himself
“Oh… right totally, me
too” My cheeks turned red as I paid him, moved towards the end of the line and
waited for my coffee. I looked over to where Joey and Nicole were to see her on
his lab planting kisses onto his cheek. Joey smiled and kissed the side of
Nicole’s head, he pointed to a set of big comfortable chairs and specifically
to a blonde boy sitting in one, he was asleep with a book on his lap. He was
huddled up into the chair while the book itself was still wide open, almost as
if he opened to a random page just to make it look like he was reading. I
wondered what his name was…
“Here’s your coffee
miss” the cute gay barista handed me
my coffee and slipped a note in my hand, I had taken it by now that he wasn’t
really gay, but I had to make sure didn’t I?
I bite my lip and
asked “So I’m guessing you are not gay”, a cute laugh escaped his throat and a
bright red blush escaped from his pale face. I started to notice the little
details about him, like the little mole by his ear, the way the right side of
his smile was slightly longer than his right, the way his nose was smaller than
most guys… I guess it’s kind of weird, you wouldn’t really find him all that
attractive. Not with the mysterious scars on his chin or his large eyes or his
skinny jaw, but it was these little misfortunes that made me want him. I was
overcome with this sense of longing, I didn’t even know this coffee guy’s name
but I felt that I needed to know everything about him. I needed to know where
he was born, what his first words were, his earliest memories, his strange
obsessions and his most embarrassing moments. And suddenly I was terrified. His cheeky little laugh and
his dark blue eyes had so much control over me, what if he hurts me? What if he
uses me? What if he isn’t the one?
“Dex? Dex! Get back to
work you lazy flirt” called an elderly grey haired woman with a smile, I’m
guessing it was his manager. He kind of winked at me and started talking to
another customer; I could hear his manager playfully scold him. “You never work
Mister Dexter, always talking to pretty girls and never to your pretty boss,
shame on you”. The other customer grinned and I just started to feel bliss….
Immense and unstoppable bliss...
Dex,
His name was Dex.
I
noticed the letter in my hand and began to read it, “I get off in twenty, meet
me by the iron horse statue outside”. The iron house statue, perfect.. I looked
back to Nicole and Joey and saw them staring straight at me, I smiled at Nicole
and I knew she was happy for me. I walked towards them and Nicole jumped at me
and started to shout, I knew Dex was staring but I didn’t care… I guess love is
something you have to trip over, you don’t expect it, you don’t see it coming…
you just fall, and he is there to catch you. Nicole looked at me and we
understood, it was time… my time for a storybook romance, my turn to fall in
love. She let out a repressed giggle and I couldn’t help myself, I laughed as
well, then she let out another giggle and then a snort. I knew Dex was looking
but I kept laughing.
Joy, unarguable ecstasy. I
wanted nothing to change, Dex was mine and I was his and we were to meet by the
Iron horse and we were meant to fall in love. So I counted down the minutes
until I could look upon Dex’s face and live in joy. I smiled one last time at
Nicoles pretty little face and walked to the door, to the Iron horse. I was
cold, freezing actually, but I stayed outside… I was ready for him and as I
turned I could see Dex walk to the door. His blue eyes looked backed at mine
and he smiled, the moment his hand touched the door my heart dropped and I felt
uncontrollable euphoria, or was it fear? He opened out and took a breathe
before he spoke.
“Is
your name as pretty as your face?” I grinned, began to tear up and answered in
between gasps of happiness.
“Lua”
I whispered… He stood for a moment, looked at the moon and then back towards
me. But before another precious moment expired we were interrupted
“Wow
this is just so cute”
